The World’s Hottest Red Hot Chilli

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

I have a competitive nature
My leeks are the longest, my carrots are biggest
My pumpkin weighs more than a man
And with my harvest of perfection I shall go
To the Trotswood and Crisperdale Vegetable Show

I have a competitive nature
With artistic panche I will lay out my feast
To be seen by the panel of gods
Who mark them for appearance and for size
Yet in every single class I am awarded second prize

Cos there’s a man
Mr Pinkerton
His vegetables are quite beyond compare
Every year
He is victorious
And let me tell you why it isn’t fair

He’s retired
He’s retired
If you garden sixty hours a week of course you’re going to win
He’s retired
So he accepts the prize
And gives a speech about his dedication just to rub it in

I have a competetive nature
I will not be defeated, my plan is unfolding
To steal Mr Pinkerton’s crown
Yes, this time it is me that he shall fear
The very special vegetable that I have grown this year

A species that I’ve been preparing
By cross-polination, selection of seed
I have newly developed a personal breed
That no-one can touch, it is right off the scale
It will win all the prizes, my plan cannot fail
Yes, this time it is he that shall look silly
For I have grown the record-breaking
World’s hottest red

Here he is
Mr Pinkerton
He walks the room to check that he’s the best
He spies it
Examines it
And lets me know that he is not impressed

Did somebody
Did somebody
Did somebody forget they need to fertilise and spray?
Was somebody
Was somebody
Was somebody too busy then to water twice a day?

They’re very tasty, I say,
Yum yum.
Would you like one, I say.
I bet you can’t eat a whole one
Mr Pinkerton, he ate a whole one.
And he said:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Water, water, get me some water
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I wish my mummy was still alive
I’m burning, I’m baking, my body is shaking
My skin is a-flaking, it’s making me sneeze
I need your support this could end in my slaughter
So get me some water I beg of you please


But nobody would offer him the liquid antidode
So he grabbed a fire extenguisher and stuck it down his throat
But the pressure was too great and let us bow our heads as we recall
The bits of Mr Pinkerton that flew around the village hall

He has died
He has died
He still won all the prizes, but that’s absolutely fine
He has died
So remember this:
I have an aggressive competitive nature
And next year, victory
Shall be mine.

Copyright 2011 Dan Woods – all rights reserved.

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