People who finish your sentences

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

People who finish your / sentences
Doesn’t it drive you / insane?
The fact that / they’re trying to help you
Makes it so hard to / complain
Each time I / finish a sentence
I always lose my / head
People must think that I / like it
I think I’ll / let me talk instead.

People who finish your / cornflakes
Doesn’t it drive you / to war?
The fact that / you’re in your pyjamas
Makes it so hard to / buy more
Each time I / walk to the co-op
I always lose my / way
People must think that I / dribble
I think I’ll / just eat Special K.

People who finish your / petrol
Doesn’t it drive you / nowhere
The fact that / you’re ten miles from Texaco
Makes it so hard to / go there.
Each time I / run out of petrol
I always lose my / bike
People must think that I / hate them
I think I’ll / just turn off your mic.

Copyright 2010 Dan Woods. All rights reserved.

The philosophical pig

Lyrics by Dan Woods

Why am I here? What is a pig?
Can you tell me the meaning of life?
Is the world just a dream, will it cease to exist
When I pass through the slaughterman’s knife?

Was I put on this earth for your dinner?
Are there forces that pigs cannot see?
If I fled from the farm would my life be much more
Or do boundaries let me be free?

If I only was born to be eaten
Is that a sausage
Or me?

Copyright 2010 Dan Woods – all rights reserved

Four Nipples

Lyrics by Dan Woods

TO BY SUNG BY SIAMESE TWINS.

TWIN 1:
I like men who are dark and handsome

TWIN 2:
I like men who are sweet and fair.

TWIN 1:
I like men with enormous sideburns.

TWIN 2:
I like men who have lost their hair.

BOTH:
But if you take her home, sir

TWIN 1:
How she moans

TWIN 2:
And how she grunts.

BOTH:
But the thing you’ll enjoy the most, sir
Is that we have got two -
Fronts

Four four nipples
We have got four four nipples
We have got one and two and three and four
For you to see

TWIN 1:
And if you take her home you’ll get another girl free

BOTH:
We’ll give you four four nipples
We’ll show you four four nipples
You’ll have the greatest fun that you have ever had

TWIN 2:
And if it’s all two much for you
Remember we’ve got room for two

TWIN 1:
So take her home

TWIN 2:
And bring along your dad.

BOTH:
So take her home and bring along your dad.

Copyright 2008 Dan Woods – all rights reserved

Pi

It’s three point
14159265
35897932
38462643
38327950
28841971
69399375
10582097
49446. It’s three point

14159265
35897932
38462643
38327950
28841971
69399375
10582097
49446.

Multitasking

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

I serenaded my lady
My true love I swore
I gave her flowers, champagne, and a yacht
Yet still she wants more
She says I have one imperfection

I think she will leave
She has told me time and again
There’s one thing I’ll never achieve:

Multitasking, multitasking
I can only do one thing at a time
My girl would stay
If I could sing
And play

Multitasking, multitasking
To win her love, how I try
But my girl is so sweet, that each time we meet
I
When I
In her eye.

Copyright 2010 Dan Woods – all rights reserved

The Midwife

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

Babies! Lovely babies!
A new born child is a miracle
And all the other midwives will agree
It’s the most amazing sight you’ll ever see

And though they come out bloody
And they all have funny hair,
Let me tell you buddy
Why you’ll find me there:

I want to eat your placenta
You have what I want to eat
I fry it in garlic and butter
It comes out so tender and sweet.
How can there be such a flavour
In meat that’s oh so lean?
Why don’t you come round for dinner?
Maybe you’ll see what I mean.

Babies! Pretty babies!
To see a birth is incredible
And every single day it warms my heart
Each time I get to watch a new life start

But if you catch me winking
As I’m begging you to push,
Guess what I am thinking
As I’m staring at your bush:

I want to eat your placenta
Roast it with some rosemary and sage
The older the mother, the tougher the meat
But the flavour will develop with age.
If you are having a party
Throw it on the barbecue.
If you think that placenta would scare them
You can melt it away in a stew.

I want to eat your placenta!
Make a marinade with chillis and some zest
All of my meals are delicious
But teenage mothers really are the best.
Some people think that I’m crazy
But it’s worth it for the taste:
That’s why you’ll find me at nightfall
Going through the bins of human waste.

Copyright 2008 Dan Woods – all rights reserved

The Lonely Shepherd

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

There’s a girl in the village called Sally
And her beauty is truly divine
But Sally, alas, has a husband
So Sally will never be mine.

But one night when her husband was sleeping
She invited me out for some fun
I still dream of that one night with Sally:
She’s the only girl I’ve ever done.

When I dream of that one night with Sally
As I’m here watching over my flock
These feelings start building inside me
I don’t know what to do with my smock.

Now my master’s at rest
And the stars have come out
I think some of you have guessed
What this song is about:

I wonder what it feels like to kiss a sheep?
I’d sit beside a young one in the mud
Would she lead my tongue inside her mouth like Sally did?
Or pull it down her throat and chew the cud?
Would she nibble at my ears at all, and pin me up against the wall
And book us in a very cheap hotel?
I wonder what it feels like to kiss a sheep?
But I mustn’t lie with beast, I’ll go to hell.

I wonder what it feels like to touch a sheep?
Would she slip a hoof inside my underwear?
Would she tell me what feels good for her like Sally did
Or look upon me blankly and go “maaaah”?
Could I fit all my hand inside, and would I leave her satisfied?
Do sheep prefer a little more vibration?
I wonder what it feels like to touch a sheep?
But to lie with beast, it is abomination.

I wonder what it feels like to lick a sheep?
Do you think that I could find her magic button?
I imagine she would smell like pecorino cheese,
Or maybe she would taste a bit like mutton.
And if my sheep is like her breed, by following where others lead
Perhaps she’d find the time to lick me too.
I wonder what it feels like to lick a sheep
And will it make her love me if I do?

I wonder what it feels like to love a sheep?
I bet it’s bloody quick and feels amazing.
Then I’d turn away and count her friends and fall asleep
It wouldn’t even interrupt her grazing.
I’ll call myself an oviphile. Of course we’ll do it sheepy style.
My cries of joy will echo through the valley.
I’ll discover what it feels like to love a sheep
And as I give my milk, I’ll shout out:
Sally!

Copyright 2008 Dan Woods – all rights reserved.

Flu

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

My girlfriend caught a fever, she had nasty sweaty hair
She had shivers, she had sneezes, now she’s in intensive care
And I read all the books, I know the horrors it unleashes
A disease God meant for pigs has crossed the barrier of species

The virologists have studied her, they’ve done what they must do
The nurses are all weeping, they can’t believe it’s true
But the doctors shake their heads, and to the churchyard we must send her
For man flu
Man man flu
Has crossed the barrier of gender.

Now this is my revenge for all the love you did withhold
You said: “Oh, stop complaining, it’s just a silly cold.”
No – you should have made me chicken soup and tucked me into bed
But now you know how ill I really was because you’re dead.

Though boys of under two are now routinely vaccinated
The vaccine is no use now that the virus has mutated It’s realigned its target from XY to double X
For man flu
Man man flu
Has crossed the barrier -

Now womankind is fading fast, they don’t have long to live
But their husbands think they’re faking it, no sympathy they give
The disease will pull them under, and soon their lungs will fail
The government won’t intervene because they’re mostly male

We’re heading for extinction, we cannot procreate
And it’s a pity we’ll no longer get to lie about your weight
The female of the species, to death she must surrender
For man flu
(Man flu)
Man flu
Man man man man flu
Has crossed the barrier of gender.

Copyright 2009 Dan Woods – all rights reserved.

Busking

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

We like to busk on the underground
We stand in a corner right here
But the licensing men in some office
They come and they just interfere

They’re censoring all of our lyrics
It’s such a remarkable thing
They give us some new words each morning
And here’s what they’re making us sing:

Don’t leave your bags unattended
Please let passengers get off the train before boarding
Services on the Bakerloo line are suspended
And don’t commit crime because CCTV is recording

The roof at Embankment is in an unstable condition
You are advised to seek out an alternative route
If you notice a person whose actions give you suspicion
And you think that he looks a bit foreign then please do not shoot.

They took us up into some office
And here’s the advice that they gave:
‘We need songs that enhance people’s safety
And make the commuters behave.’

Please mind the gap and the pickpockets here at this station
No flash photography, please put out your cigarette
When the weather is hot, avoid dehydration
But surfaces may become slippery when it is wet.

If you notice a chemical smell and you’re next to a man
And he’s shouting and praying to Allah and acting berserk
Remain where you are and keep as calm as you can
There’s a very good chance that his bomb doesn’t actually work.

Copyright 2008 Dan Woods – all rights reserved.

A Complete History of the Soviet Union as told by a humble worker, arranged to the melody of Tetris

Lyrics by Dan Woods and Donald Newholm.

To Moscow I came seeking fortune
But they’re making me work til I’m dead
The bourgeoisie have it so easy
The Tsar’s putting gold on his bread
The people of Moscow are hungry
But think what a feast there could be
If we could create a socialist state
That cared for the people like me:

I am the man who arranges the blocks
That descend upon me from up above.
They come down and I spin them around
Til they fit in the ground like hand in glove.
Sometimes it seems that to move blocks is fine
And the lines will be formed as they fall -
Then I see that I have misjudged it!
I should not have nudged it after all.
Can I have a long one please?
Why must these infernal blocks tease?

I am the man who arranges the blocks
That continue to fall from up above.
Come Muscovite! Let the workers unite!
A collective regime of peace and love.
I work so hard in arranging the blocks
But the landlord and taxman bleed me dry
But the workers will rise! We will not compromise
For we know that the old regime must die.
Long live Lenin, kill the tsar!
We salute the sickle and star!

I am the man who arranges the blocks
That continue to fall from up above.
The food on your plate now belongs to the state
A collective regime of peace and love.
I have no choice in arranging the blocks
Under Bolshevik rule, what they say goes.
The rule of the game is we all are the same
And my blocks must create unbroken rows.
Long live Stalin! He loves you!
Sing these words, or you know what he’ll do…

I am the man who arranges the blocks
That are made by the men in Kazakhstan.
They come two weeks late and they don’t tessellate
But we’re working to Stalin’s five year plan.
I am the man who arranges the tanks
That will make all the Nazis keep away
The Fuhrer is dead, and Europe is Red!
Let us point all our guns at the USA.
We shall live forever more!
We can start a nuclear war!

I am the man who arranges the blocks
That are building a highly secret base.
Hip hip hurrah for the USSR!
We are sending our men to outer space.
I work so hard in arranging the blocks
But each night I go home to my wife in tears -
What’s the point of it all, when you’re building a wall
And in front of your eyes it disappears?
Pointless work for pointless pay
This is one game I shall not play.

I am the man who arranges the blocks!
But tomorrow I think I’ll stay in bed.
The winter is cold, I’ve got plenty of gold
And I’m standing in line for a loaf of bread
Maybe we’d be better off
If we brought down Gorbachev

I am the man who arranges the blocks
That continue to fall from up above.
The markets are free! So much money for me!
Tell me, why should I care for peace and love?
The markets are free! So much money for me!
Tell me, why should I care for peace and love?
Peace and love, peace and love!

And now the wall is down, the Marxists frown
There’s foreign shops all over town
When in Red Square, well don’t despair
There’s Levi’s and McDonald’s there
The US gave us crystal meth
And Yeltsin drank himself to death
But now that Putin’s put the boot in,
Who’ll get in our way?

So we reject free enterprise
And once again the left will rise.
Prepare the flags to be unfurled
For we’re seceding from the world:
We shall regain the Georgian soil
We shall obtain the Arctic oil
We shall arrange the blocks and toil
Forever and a day.

Game over.

Copyright 2009 Dan Woods and Donald Newholm. All rights reserved.