The World’s Hottest Red Hot Chilli

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

I have a competitive nature
My leeks are the longest, my carrots are biggest
My pumpkin weighs more than a man
And with my harvest of perfection I shall go
To the Trotswood and Crisperdale Vegetable Show

I have a competitive nature
With artistic panche I will lay out my feast
To be seen by the panel of gods
Who mark them for appearance and for size
Yet in every single class I am awarded second prize

Cos there’s a man
Mr Pinkerton
His vegetables are quite beyond compare
Every year
He is victorious
And let me tell you why it isn’t fair

He’s retired
He’s retired
If you garden sixty hours a week of course you’re going to win
He’s retired
So he accepts the prize
And gives a speech about his dedication just to rub it in

I have a competetive nature
I will not be defeated, my plan is unfolding
To steal Mr Pinkerton’s crown
Yes, this time it is me that he shall fear
The very special vegetable that I have grown this year

A species that I’ve been preparing
By cross-polination, selection of seed
I have newly developed a personal breed
That no-one can touch, it is right off the scale
It will win all the prizes, my plan cannot fail
Yes, this time it is he that shall look silly
For I have grown the record-breaking
World’s hottest red

Here he is
Mr Pinkerton
He walks the room to check that he’s the best
He spies it
Examines it
And lets me know that he is not impressed

Did somebody
Did somebody
Did somebody forget they need to fertilise and spray?
Was somebody
Was somebody
Was somebody too busy then to water twice a day?

They’re very tasty, I say,
Yum yum.
Would you like one, I say.
I bet you can’t eat a whole one
Mr Pinkerton, he ate a whole one.
And he said:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Water, water, get me some water
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I wish my mummy was still alive
I’m burning, I’m baking, my body is shaking
My skin is a-flaking, it’s making me sneeze
I need your support this could end in my slaughter
So get me some water I beg of you please

INSTRUMENTAL BREAK

But nobody would offer him the liquid antidode
So he grabbed a fire extenguisher and stuck it down his throat
But the pressure was too great and let us bow our heads as we recall
The bits of Mr Pinkerton that flew around the village hall

He has died
He has died
He still won all the prizes, but that’s absolutely fine
He has died
So remember this:
I have an aggressive competitive nature
And next year, victory
Shall be mine.

Copyright 2011 Dan Woods – all rights reserved.

Derrick the Evil Pigeon

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

There’s a nasty little pigeon who is pecking at my garden
He is Derrick!
He is evil!
You will see him in the city when you’re eating a panini
He is Derrick the evil pigeon!

He lives upon the pickings of the labour of the people
He is Derrick!
He is evil!
He is circling above you and preparing his deposit
He is Derrick the evil pigoen!

But Derrick had a dream
He would fly away from this place
To raise a pigeon army
And destroy the human race
The pigeons would adore him
They would raise him up on high
And any living creature who was standing in his way
He would make into a pie

Derek went to rallies in the cities and the villages
By whipping up the pigeons with inflamatory words
He would play on their emotion with anthropophobic hatred
And he quickly was appointed as the leader of the birds

He told the other pigeons they would be more influential
If they’d put aside their differences and learn to get along
So Derrick led the pigeons in a cult of personality
And early in the morning you could hear them sing a song:

All hail Derrick!
All hail Derrick!
Derrick the mighty, Derrick for me!

All hail Derrick!
All hail Derrick!
Derrick shall make the pigeons free.

He organised the pigeons as a military power
Then commanded that the time had come to end the age of peace
Setting pigeons on the crops to make the people die of hunger
And then bringing down the aeroplanes with kaimkaze geese.

Derrick set his pigeons on the leaders of the nations
They would fly into a parliament and organise a coup
Lobbying the ministers with unrelenting pecking
If they didn’t get the message they would cover them in poo.

And Derrick had a dream
As the humans faded away
That every single creature
Should be exactly the same shade of grey
And as he dreamed the dream
On his gutter throne he sat
His enemy called Kelly sneaked behind him and she murdered him
For Kelly was a cat

So when you see a pigeon who is pecking at your garden
He is Derrick!
He is evil!
Hold on to your panini, give him nothing but a kicking
He is Derrick the evil pigeon!
Pigeon, pigeon
Derrick the evil pigeon!

Copyright 2011 Dan Woods – all rights reserved.

John Innes (Who Is He?)

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?
John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?

When he was alive did he have lettuce in his locks,
Cuttings in his buttonhole and mushrooms in his socks?
Did he sire a lot of children, was he quite the local stag?
They saw that he was fertile so they put him in a bag.

John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?
John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?

Is he like the Lindow Man, they found him in the peat?
You’re digging up a bog and then you spot a pair of feet:
Why give an archeologist a product you can sell?
A neolithic man is making flowers flower well.

John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?
John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?

When the man was living, was he bigger than a whale?
How are they producing it on such a massive scale?
Maybe he’s a mutant and they keep him out of view
When you cut his arm off he can grow another two.

John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?
John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?

Has he fully decomposed? I really want to know.
Would it make me squeamish if I found his little toe?
Pickled in the peat so does it mean he never rots?
Will I see his eyeball when I’m filling up my pots?

John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?
John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?

Did his wife discover he was having an affair?
She wasn’t very happy so she killed him then and there.
She hid away the body, but the odour did torment her,
So she bagged him up and sold him to the garden centre?

John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?
John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?
John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?
John Innes, John Innes
Who is he? Who is he?
John Innes, John Innes
Why is he in my compost?

Copyright 2011 Dan Woods – all rights reserved.

The Gardeners Question Time Song

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

I was alone girl
My life was cold and bleak
Singing alone girl
Until I heard you speak

How could I know girl
That love could be this true
I will always remember
The moment I found you

Crying tears in my tea cup
That sunny day in June
At just after three on
A Friday afternoon
I turned on my radio
And my world was torn apart
Yes I turned on my radio
And you stole away my heart

You asked a question on
Gardeners, Gardeners
Question time
With a species so unusual
And a voice that’s just sublime
Gardeners, Gardeners
Question time
And the question is
How can I make you mine?

I was alone boy
In misery and pain
The sun would shine on me
But all I felt was rain

I’ve never loved like this
You took me by surprise
It was there in the moment
I looked into your eyes

At the Orpington Horticultural Society
When you called out my name
I knew that you were made for me
With so much emotion
My heart before my head
I asked how you knew me
And this is what you said:

You asked a question on
Gardeners, Gardeners
Question Time
When you baffled Pippa Greenwood
You defeated Carol Klein
Gardeners, Gardeners
Question Time
And the question is
How can I make you mine?

Gardeners, Gardeners
Question Time
I was lost in my confusion
And you made me see the sign
Gardeners, Gardeners
Question Time
If I said I knew the answers
Would you take your hand in mine?

Gardeners, Gardeners
Question Time
With a species so unusual
And a voice that’s just sublime
Gardeners, Gardeners
Question Time
And the question is
How can I make you mine?

Gardeners, Gardeners
Question Time
When you baffled Pippa Greenwood
You defeated Carol Klein
Gardeners, Gardeners
Question Time
And the question is
How can I make you mine?

Copyright 2012 Dan Woods – all rights reserved.

A Song To The Man On Westminster Bridge (Please Don’t Jump Mr Cameron)

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

The water is deep, the current is strong
If you jump in the Thames you will die.
Oh.
You want to die.

If you jump into the Thames it will merely cause permanent
Damage to your spinal cord.

Look, if it helps, I never liked you.
Most things you do are basically harmful.
But I don’t want to see you die.
What should you do? What can I say?

Please don’t jump, Mr Cameron
Don’t tumble to a watery grave
You mustn’t take to heart that you’ve made a rotten start
And the people cry: “We all hate Dave”
Though your party is turning against you
And the voters think that you’re a prick
You’re out of opposition and you’ve formed a coalition
So simply put the blame on Nick.

Turn around, Mr Cameron
It’s sad to see you so upset
Though it makes you feel a bitch putting taxes on the rich
They will help to clear the national debt.
There are hard times ahead but remember
What a pain it is to drown
So remember what you’re for, give the finger to the poor
And blame it all on Gordon Brown.

Take my hand, Mr Cameron
Don’t be blue that you are Tory scum
Though the carbon in the sky means the polar bears will die
You will save them with uranium
When your world falls to pieces around you
Remember you’re a millionaire.
When the soldiers die at war, just do what you did before
And blame it all on Tony Blair.

Walk this way, Mr Cameron
Go back to your home and fight
You shall live another day – but there’s something in your way:
It’s those nutters on the Tory Right.

There’s a girl and you could imitate her
In evil you could even match her:

Get your party back on side and increase the class divide
And blame it all on Margaret Thatcher.
Blame it all on Margaret Thatcher
“Smash the Unions!”
Blame it all on Margaret Thatcher
“Deregulate the banks!”
Blame it all on Margaret Thatcher
Thatcher, Thatcher, Thatcher, Thatcher.

Copyright 2010 Dan Woods – all rights reserved.

The Ecomonic Cycle (Lawnmower)

Lyrics by Dan Woods

I’m renting a flat. It’s so wrong.
My garden’s a mess, and the grass is so long
What am I doing with my life? I’m nearly thirty-two.
If I’m to stay ahead, there’s one thing that I must do:

I’ll buy a lawnmower to cut my grass
So everybody will know that I am middle class
I can afford one, and so I’ve bought one.
Now doesn’t that turn you on?

All of my friends are buying lawnmowers, it’s what they desire
So the value of a lawnmower just keeps getting higher
You’ll find it best / To invest
Soon they will all be gone.

I bought twenty seven lawnmowers in Dubai
My bank lent me the money, I don’t know why
They’re worth more than ever, God I’m so clever
Let me tell you how much money I’ve made.

So many lawnmowers, I have all them rented
To people who don’t own one, they must be demented.
Girls can’t keep their kit on, cause I’ve got one you can sit on.
I’m a lawnmower millionnaire.

And now a lawnmower is completely unattainable
But I believe that current prices are sustainable.
Though the credit market’s in contraction,
That’s just a short-term distraction.
La la la la la la.

La la la la la la la
La la, la la, la
La la, la la la
La la la la la la la la la.

It’s just not fair. I feel so depressed.
All of my lawnmowers have been reposessed .
But I still need to mow. Where in God’s name can I go?
I’m having to share a lawnmower with my mum.

Copyright 2009 Dan Woods – all rights reserved.

I Hold You In My Hand

Lyrics by Dan Woods

I saw you from a distance, and your looks were so divine
My world was torn apart and I just had to make you mine
Now I hold you in my hand and I will never feel alone
My beautiful, wonderful, touch screen phone

I’m not so good with people, I wanted you so bad
I used to go out by myself, just me there looking sad
But now I’ve a companion, it’s so good to have you near
You make me feel so special when you whisper in my ear

All of my friends think you are sexy
Though perhaps you’ve not been ageing all that well
You give me something to do in social situations
You’re helping me to come out of my shell.

An encyclopaedic knowledge, you’re good at reading maps
Everyone agrees those are a lovely pair of apps
I take you down McDonalds, it’s got a wi-fi zone
My overbearing, photo-sharing, touch-screen phone

Although on one occasion you slipped from my embrace
I see how much it hurt you from the cracks upon your face
Though you do a lot of thinking, God you love to make me wait
Only I know what it feels like when I turn you on vibrate

But where are you now? Where are you now?

No, I never dreamed I would lose you
How can there be no future between us?
No I don’t know why I left you
On the 197 bus.

Why don’t you answer when I call?
Without you my life means nothing at all.

Copyright 2010 Dan Woods – all rights reserved

Guilt (Hat Song) – Edinburgh 2010 version

Lyrics by Dan Woods

If you see a show at the Pleasance
And you think the performer looks cross
You’re buying a twenty pound ticket
While he makes a five-figure loss.

But today is the new revolution
You don’t need a penny to get through the door.
I hope you’ve enjoyed it today
On next is the wonderful “Cabaret Whore!”

Free things in life are the best
But we have one simple request:

Please put your money in the big, big hat
And buy our CD
If you like the songs we wrote, please give us a note
We also take cheques, make them payable to me

Please put your money in the big, big hat
We called it La La Ha Ha
We like the way it sounds, and it’s only seven pounds
So Donald can afford a new guitar.

If I had a new accordion
With more buttons in the left hand
Then I could write a key change here
But that key change will cost me two grand

Think about what you can give
And give me a reason to live

Please put your money in the big, big hat
Help us in our career
We can only make a living with the money that you’re giving
We’re singing for our rent, for our supper, for our beer

Please put your money in the big, big hat
Help us to perform for free
If you enjoyed the show, please tell everyone you know
But when Edinburgh is laughing, we are artists we are starving
There is no obligation, but please make a donation
And buy our (buy our) buy our
CD.

Copyright 2010 Dan Woods – all rights reserved

Young Jonny

Lyrics by Dan Woods

DAN PLAYS THE GUITAR, BADLY. DONALD PLAYS THE ACCORDION, BADLY.

Young Jonny I knew him, a metor kid
So sure what he wanted to do
Every morning he’d say: “Mummy, I want to play
The piano accordion too.”

And he played, how he played
On his grandfather’s rusting and rotting machine
His mother walked down and she bought from the town
The finest accordion you ever have seen.

Young Jonny he knew in the old house beside him
Lived angry old Mrs MacDuff
To improve his technique he played six days a week
The neighbour felt one was enough.

And he played, how he played
And Mrs MacDuff she would pound on the wall
But Jonny was proud, he was playing so loud
Above his own music heard nothing at all.

Drove the old lady mad, Jonny’s dream of becoming
A piano accordion star
Till her vindictive makeup, it led her to take up
The six stringed acoustic guitar.

And she played, how she played
Our boy couldn’t sleep, on the wall he would pound
Macduff she kept strummin’, pretend he was drummin’,
A bitter guitar yet sweet music she found.

By playing the players would plague the poor neighbours
By banging would retaliate
And too late they found that the great wall between them
Did not have the strength of their hate.

The houses were gone, and from under the rubble
Two bloody musicians did climb
Where once was a wall there was nothing at all
Side by side for the very first time

They played, oh they played
With her two broken strings and his dusty machine
They find that they are the greatest guitar
And accordion band that there ever has been.

Copyright 2010 Dan Woods – all rights reserved.

Climate Change Denier

Lyrics by Dan Woods.

No he don’t have time for no scientists
He says they don’t agree
Likes to spend his time on the internet
Shows him what he wants to see
He will take you out in his Jaguar
He’s a BA frequent flyer
He’s a middle-class, middle-brow, middle-weight, middle-aged
Climate change denier.

He talks about solar cycles
Says they’ll never make him pay
He says an Exon-funded study says
That everything’s okay
He loves to show you the emails
See how the liberals conspire
He’s a middle-class, middle-brow, middle-weight, middle-aged
Climate change denier.

He says he can’t stand GATSOs
The economy needs cars
Gets his meat from farms in the Amazon
His opinions from Mars
He is right behind global warming
If our summers would be drier
He’s a middle-class, middle-brow, middle-weight, middle-aged
Climate change denier.

His house is high on a hillside
He heats his patio
Says if the earth is getting hotter, yeah
Then whats with all the snow
He fancies Sarah Palin
Thinks that she’s the new Messiah
He’s a middle-class, middle-brow, middle-weight, middle-aged
Climate change denier.

Oh he’s not afraid of the future
When he won’t be alive
Says he’s worked so hard all his life for
The right to drink and drive
He respects you have an opinion
But tells you you’re a liar
He’s a middle-class, middle-brow, middle-weight, middle-aged
Climate change denier.
He’s a middle-class, middle-brow, middle-weight, middle-aged
Climate change denier.

Copyright 2010 Dan Woods – all rights reserved